has been literally starving for nearly a week.
I’ve decided to take on “healthy eating habits.” If you know me well or heck at least have known me for a good 5 minutes, you know that my habits are more Paula Deen-like than say that scary lady on The Biggest Loser-like. I can’t even watch that show, that lady scares the bejesus out of me, seriously.
So-I’m known at work as the girl that eats cake for breakfast. With a side of ice cream. I’ve been caught doing this on more than one occasion. I used to think it was funny. I used to not care about gaining a few pounds, because usually within a few months, the pounds either go away, or I just get over it. All that changed when I saw this on Friday morning.
*Image from People.com
That’s right. Kate freaking Middleton. Skinny people usually have no effect on me. For the most part I don't care what anyone weighs, most of the time even myself. Usually when I see the thin models in magazines with their designer clothes, I just turn the page and move on with my life. BUT…all that seems to change when the person is not only super thin, but super beautiful, wearing gorgeous designer clothes, and is about to become the bride of a prince….that seems to snatch up my attention (and appetite) right away. That’s right, I said it…Friday when I woke up around 6am to see THE DRESS on the future princess…I suddenly lost my appetite. I know I can’t be alone in this. Anyone out there? Did you see how thin this girl is? How beautiful? Everything was just PERFECT. For a while I stuck in this delusion after seeing it. This girl is skinny so I should be too. I should be just as skinny as she is, at the very least. I can honestly say before last week, this had never happened to me. I’d never based wanting to do something with my body just because of what someone else looked like. I’m a grown up for crying out loud! Seeing this girl turned me into an insecure child, and I still can’t figure it out…aside from blaming that PERFECTION DISEASE. The one I promised I was gonna work on…you remember right? Today it hit me. Of course I didn’t just realize it on my own, I had several friends, coworkers, and Darren asking me when in the world I was going to eat again (not because I’m losing weight or anything probably, but because of the raging $#*#@ I am when I am hungry. Make that starving. With a side of extra starving.
But let me back up. So without even knowing WHY my attitude had suddenly changed and I suddenly wanted to be skinny (yes sadly it took me until today to realize what started this mess) I started cutting my calories down…dramatically. Guess what that did-it made me hungry. And cranky. By the time Monday came around I was hitting a low point, and thinking about rushing to the nearest fast food joint and getting one of…everything. A coworker asked if I wanted to go for a walk and I said sure, maybe it’ll get my mind of the fact that I am starving. She reminded me of a website that I used to frequent that is a food diary that will count your calories and calculate your exercise and water intake daily to track your progress. So I decided to sign up again. I hadn’t really had that much food since Friday, so I managed to remember everything I’d had since then and put it in the site. I started to feel positive because the site said I was doing well. By Tuesday afternoon I was losing my steam and thought once again about rushing to the nearest fast food place. By Tuesday night I was craving bread. Yes I said bread. If you know me, you know I’m not a fan of bread. This should tell you how hungry I really was. This morning-Wednesday-I got up and looked at the site again. I started to think about it. I spoke with Darren on the phone. He asked me how many calories it said I should be eating. It said that a healthy goal for me was 1200 calories a day. I am not sure why it took me 3 days to realize that this site…is insane. I am no health expert…but that can’t be good. At what point does malnutrition start to take place? What’s even worse, is that I was scared I was going to hit over the 1200 each day, so I was usually only doing about 1000 calories a day. No wonder I was such a witch-with a capital B. Today I decided to push the limits. Since it has you put in your daily exercise, I put it in. Then I decided to do a search to see what these sites consider “exercise.” I can understand walking, jogging, etc…but sitting at a desk? Lying down in a state of rest? These sites have options to put this, and they put high calorie burn rates with those. By the time I put in all of my “exercise,” I’d gained an extra 1200 calories to eat for the day, without doing any real exercise today on my breaks because of the rain. Um…is there something wrong with this picture?
I guess I need to point out a few things before people become too concerned about me. No I don’t think I’m fat-most days anyway. But I will say that I felt that way after seeing that pin thin girl in her princess gown on Friday. Hhmph. Why did she get to me so much? Once again, perfection. I tried to read up on her a bit and found that she’s about 5’10, and estimated to weigh less than 120 lbs. Um…is that considered healthy these days? I know as a country over here we are pretty overweight, but am I wrong in thinking that 120 lbs on this girl may be a bit thin? I am 5’3 on a good day. This girl has seven inches on me and only weighs about 120? I won’t be basing my looks on another girl’s again. When this craziness started, Darren reminded me constantly that it wasn’t necessary for me to do, and he was happy with me the way I am...and to please go eat something, like now. He even said he’d already thought I’d lost weight, I’d been looking thinner to him (good answer Darren!). Yet another reason why he is so flippin awesome. Maybe some people do think I’m fat. But you know what, I’m not fat. I’m actually in what is considered the healthy weight range.
So what has this taught me?
1. Don’t compare how I look to someone who may be nearly the same age, but is across the pond, has personal trainers/chefs/designers/maids. Better yet, don’t compare yourself to anyone but you.
2. I’ve realized this isn’t really about me being thin. This is about me being healthy. I obviously have a long way to go, as someone that sometimes eats cake for breakfast, with ice cream. I’ve said for years my motto is like Paula Deen’s. “Bread is just a vessel” (to get the gobs of butter in my mouth). I need to work on that more so than eating only 1000 calories a day.
3. My new goal is to not be skinny. My new goal is to be a little more HEALTHY. More exercise, better foods, but when I am contemplating chewing my arm off or selling my soul for a twisted Oreo Frosty, I’ll just go get the darn Frosty. I mean really people.
I know as a woman so many of us go through this. I hope that all my girlfriends out there can remember that you are beautiful, just the way you are, and as long as you are trying to be healthy, this is the best you can do, and you are fabulously awesome.
Life is fabulous.
And I got that Frosty tonight. With Oreo...thank you very much. (ate the whole thing for the first time!) If you're concerned, according to the dumb website, I'm still under my recommended calorie intake for the day. I couldn't help but check!
*I'd also like to add that even though Kate was super thin, she was gorgeous and poised-so lovely. Maybe she's just naturally thin. If so, good for her. I love their story and wish them all the best!