far from perfect

This is going to be a long picture-less post. I promise it's worth it.

I read an amazing blog post on Perfection this week. You should check it out HERE. Go on, I'll give you a few minutes to read and come back...(trust me it's worth it)

This man's blog really touched my heart. He truly inspired me to keep pursuing my goal to be REAL. I've noticed in the past year or so how many people in my life aren't being REAL...with the world or even themselves. Because of this, sometimes people get hurt. Sometimes its just feelings, which usually we all seem to move past. But other times, its much deeper than that. Sometimes people become so far removed from the real world, so caught up in either fantasy or despair, that they lose themselves and no one knows who they really are or what's going on in their lives. Let me say now that I don't want to be one of those people. I love my friends dearly. I believe this is obvious. However I truly worry about some of them, and the HUGE facade they are putting on. I believe it is from the pressure at the time to be PERFECT. I don't care who you are, it has got to be impossible to be perfect all the time. It is going to be impossible to keep it up forever. No one can be a stay at home mother with the best behaved kids, the most loving working supportive husband, the most spotless house, and still have time for daily crafts, blogging, keeping a perfect budget, being a therapist for everyone, all while looking like a supermodel...I'm sorry but this can't be real. Same goes with the so many others out there living a somewhat to mostly miserable life and trying to keep up with the Jones'. If you hate your job and complain about it daily then you need to work on getting a new one or realize that sometimes we have to do things we don't feel like as adults. Venting is one thing, hating your life is another story. I have to remind myself of that constantly. If your husband or boyfriend is a worthless piece of crap that talks down to you or embarrasses you and others and makes you do all the work, stop telling people how amazing he is. Get real. Seek help. Fix it or get out of it. If you have a problem that you are trying to hide instead of fix, seek help. Screw shame or embarrassment. Everyone's done something stupid or disgusting. You are not the first or the last. Talk to a therapist. Someone trustworthy at church. Your mom. Your best friend. A favorite aunt or uncle. Stop dealing with your crap on your own when we have millions of people in this world here to help each other. Stop trying to act like you're superman during the day and then go home and contemplate running away or suicide. Go talk to someone. Everyone has hard times. EVERYONE. Everyone I know is going through something right now that they don't know how they'll fix it or when or if it will ever end. I hope everyone really does take a moment to read this man's post. It could save someone a lot of heartbreak. It could save a life.

Make no mistake, I am not saying that I've always been completely real. There have been times in my life where I put on my smiling face and act like everything is fine just so I don't have to deal with real life, pain, embarrassment, etc. Until I read this blog though, I never really realized I could be hurting someone out in this world by not being real. If we all could be more real...maybe we could help others instead of making people feel inferior.

I don't want to be fake. I don't want to live in a fantasy world. I want to help others. I WANT TO BE REAL.

I realize that most of my blog posts are happy and cheerful and talk about my fabulous life. And honestly my life is pretty freaking fabulous, most of the time. Cause honestly life is what you make it. But sometimes, it sucks. A lot. Sometimes I fall down and fail to the 10th degree and I wallow in self pity or shame and wonder if I'll ever make it out. These are the things that you don't usually hear about me. Most people would tell you they don't want to hear that crap. The sad stuff. The dark stuff. But maybe my story could help people. Maybe my trials and mishaps could make someone else feel validated, realize they're not the only one.

So at the risk of my reputation, I'm going to let you in on a few things in my life that you probably don't know about. I'm going to be real with you right now.

I say stupid things all the time, usually at the most inopportune or inappropriate time. Usually this is out of nervousness or trying to fit in. I say things that I don't even think about and every once in a while I hurt someone's feelings without ever intending to-or sometimes just make myself look like an idiot, and then I obsess over it for days. Once I made a shopping joke about someone's husband only to find out on the way home from the party that her husband had passed away. This was probably 6 years ago. I still wish she would've punched me in the face.

I am divorced. I was too immature to get married and did it for all of the wrong reasons and knew this very early on, but it took years for me to fix it because I was too worried about what people thought to be truthful with myself. Once I finally did it I shoved through all the pain and nasty words of others and now feel I am truly better off and happier. I wish all parties involved nothing but the best.

I am late almost everywhere I go, despite my mother's best efforts my entire life to make me otherwise. As a child we were always VERY early everywhere we went. Like...an hour early. It is a horrible rude habit that I have and I am nowhere near getting over it. I am late to work, church, meetings with friends, nearly everything. Its usually only a couple of minutes, but its enough to probably make people think that I am careless. And this makes me sad because I really do care...a lot. And yes mom still gets on me about being late. I still have so much to learn.

Up until a few months ago, I was the absolute worst person to ever go to for relationship advice. I have been through every sort of crappy ridiculous way past expired relationship you can imagine. I have stayed with people that I was bored to death with, people I stayed with out of pity, and people I stayed with because I thought I could help "fix" them. Once I even went back to an abusive relationship, only to be cheated on in my own home by him and someone I knew and trusted. How stupid can I be? Only now at 28 years old am I finally in a healthy relationship that I am in because I want to be, not because I feel like I have to be. Please don't read this and think that all of my exes were complete crap and deserve to rot...only one of them does-but I don't need to wish harm on him, he is hurting himself faster than I ever could. Most of them are good people, they just weren't good for me. And I wasn't good for them either.

I may look like the best doggy mom in the world. I flaunt my sweet Coco all over my blog and Facebook. I feed her the best food that I can think of after hours and hours of research aside from making it fresh myself everyday (and don't think that I don't beat myself up over me not feeding her fresh homemade food daily...stupid perfection issues...), I take her nearly everywhere I am allowed to because I don't want her to feel alone. I throw her birthday parties. I have her groomed regularly and pay her lots of attention. What you'll never see anywhere else on this blog is sometimes I get frustrated. Like most of the time I come home now and there's crap on the floor. This lovely habit didn't start until I got a roommate, and I have no idea why. Now even though I'm going to be roommate free soon, I guarantee there will still be dog crap on the floor when I get home from work. Every time I see it I get irritated but I also feel guilty because I know she hates it when I leave her. Because she likes to be near me she is usually either right by my side or at my feet. So I have stepped on her. A lot. Because she is little and quiet and every time I hear that squeal of pain it stabs me in my heart. I can only imagine what parents of non fur babies feel like when they are hurt. Worse? How about I almost killed her the other night. I almost ran over my own dog. I thought she was safe in the truck with Darren. I looked around my car the best I could (these glasses are horrible) and started backing up. Suddenly Darren runs up the driveway screaming and throws himself into my car so I'll stop (can't hear AND can't see). I was less than an inch from running over Coco. She thought it was time to play instead of getting in the truck and so she kept running from Darren, thinking it was a game. If it weren't for his quick thinking and huge heart I am not sure what would've happened to me. I honestly can't imagine. It scares me to death that she could be gone so easily. We're going to be having LOTS of leash time now. I cried the whole way home. I've had so many friends confess to me about dropping their child or something happening in a split second that nearly changed their lives, but the thing I haven't learned yet is how to stop beating yourself up over it once it happened. Darren swears even if I had perfect vision I wouldn't have been able to see her behind my tire. I don't care. I am still completely pissed at myself about this and will be for a while I'm sure.

I have an over-thinking problem. I over think, over analyze, and over do everything...especially my interactions with others and my friendships. I throw myself whole-heartedly into them and then get pissed, hurt, and disappointed when they don't turn out how I envision or when my effort isn't reciprocated. I've learned how to let go of bad relationships finally but am no where near an expert of learning when a friendship has passed its expiration date. I've let people talk down to me and tell me how to live my life. I'm slowly working on this...but it is a work in progress.


These are just a few of my problems, I promise I have plenty more. The general public doesn't need to know every facet of my life, but they should know that I am a real person with real faults, thoughts, and feelings. They should know that they are too. 

Maybe this was just a bunch of blabber to you and you're annoyed that you spent 15 minutes of your life on this. But what if it helps someone? I wish myself or someone would've been there to help my cousin before he took his own life. I miss him so much now but why didn't I tell him how special he was BEFORE he left this earth? Why didn't I give him a call every once in a while or have lunch with him and tell him how much I looked up to him as a child? How creative he was. How amazed I was at his magnetic personality? How if he seemed to will something to happen, it would do so in my mind? Maybe if I or someone else had shared our failures with him, he'd still be here. Don't let this happen to someone you love. Be REAL. Be there for people the best you can. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face begging you to stop the BS. I wish I would have before Jason left this world. You don't have to put your personal life on display for everyone to see, but please don't make others feel inferior with snide comments or bragging or only showing one side of yourself to the world.

I usually don't like to get THIS personal or dark and twisty or deep on my blog. But if any of this helps anyone out there the tiniest bit then I am pleased.

I promise 99.9% of my posts will be about happy fabulous things. But sometimes we just need to be REAL and honest with ourselves and others...

Life is still fabulous xo